Once upon a time, there was this 7th grader and this other 7th grader, both in the 7th grade. They were friends, in the beginning. About two and a half years later, one wanted nothing to do with the other, and the other was trying to fix the things she'd done wrong, with no avail. One scar, irrational fear and a whole lot of maturing later, my life had been changed.
I met her (let's call her ThatOneChick) the first day of 7th grade. We had the exact same schedule (save choir; I was in band) and we had met in elementary school but never really gotten to know each other. She was obsessed with Bon Jovi, and I really had no idea what bands I liked. I'll admit it now, there were some troubles between us (I'm not going to badmouth her, I'm just telling my story. Chill.) and we got into a lot of fights. At the beginning of the new year, about half way into 7th grade, I got into Cute Is What We Aim For, Fall Out Boy and Panic! at the Disco. I don't know what it was, but all of a sudden these bands started popping up and I started liking them. They became my favorite. I made the mistake (but how the heck was I supposed to know it would turn out to be a lifechanging, futuremolding mistake?) of telling ThatOneChick what my favorite bands were when she inquired. The next day (I'm not kidding, it was literally THE NEXT DAY) she came to school and raved, "OMG CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR IS THE BEST. FALL OUT BOY IS AMAZING. PANIC! AT THE DISCO IS MY FAVORITE!" and -snap- like that, she was as obsessed as me. Don't get me wrong, I find it completely okay that people like the same bands as me, I'm not going to bash my best friend because she likes MGMT (she has good taste). ThatOneChick is totally free to like whatever band she wants to, it's just that it seemed so... odd. That one day, she could be totally oblivious to the bands I liked, then the next day, she liked them as much as me. In my opinion, it just seems like you need to take time to like a band. Maybe you'll like their beat or their lyrics right away, but you really have to take time until you call them your favorite. I mean, let's put it this way. You don't meet someone one day, then the next call them your best friend because you got along. Maybe that's not the best example, since friends are different than music, but you see my point? It was weird. And plus, my insecurity (partly caused by ThatOneChick putting me down all the time, and partly just because I was a 7th grader and feeling the pressures of middle school) made me super aware of what she was doing (at the time, it was like she was sucking the originality out of my life, because after this, every time I mentioned a new band or celebrity crush, she would like them very shortly after), and it made me very mad. It was 7th grade! The time to mold myself, be sure of who I was and become Natalie. And it felt like she was taking that away from me. I couldn't stand it. I would stop talking about them, but eventually give in because music meant so much to me at the time (and still does), I couldn't STOP talking about it. It was hard, because even though I was COMPLETELY AWARE that ThatOneChick could like whatever bands she wanted, I still was mad and angry and totally irrational. I was LIVID at ThatOneChick, but I couldn't explain why because, well, think about it. Does, "She stole my favorite bands!" sound like a reasonable explanation to
you? And this one event has completely shaped my life. To this day, I WILL NOT tell anyone what bands I like if they like them too. ESPECIALLY if they were the one that got me into them. For example, my friend John. He mentioned he liked Green Day. I liked Green Day from the American Idiot era, but was never really crazy into them. When he mentioned them, I was like, "Oh, hey. I haven't listened to their new album!" and I went home and I did. And I loved it. And I started branching out and listening to Dookie, Shenanigans, Nimrod etc., and was amazed on how good they are. Same with Morgan, when I started liking My Chemical Romance, I didn't tell her. And I would tell anyone BUT John or Morgan. Until I had to ask Morgan how "Iero" was pronounced and then that kinda blew it. Then John saw my "Armstrong" (as in Billie Joe Armstrong) that Kathryn made me, and even though he wasn't all, "Oh, you like Green Day?" I kinda assumed he found out. And I would tell anyone BUT John or Morgan. I advertised it whenever someone asked my favorite bands, or when the subject came up. But not in front of them. Because, as crazy as this sounds, I was afraid that they would react in the same way I did to ThatOneChick. I was worried that they would get mad at me and not talk to me. Like I did to ThatOneChick. I was afraid they would no longer call me their friends after I "stole" their favorite bands. I know that's completely mental and they would never do that, but there's always some part of me that just thinks, "Well, I freaked out like that, what if they feel the same way I do and spaz out and then what?" and yes, people have pointed this out that they probably don't care and probably will think it's cool that I like the same bands as them, but to me, I just can't tell them! It's wrong of me. I know. I know that I overreacted when ThatOneChick "stole" my favorite bands, but heck, she was that kind of person. I never trusted her and since it was in a time of my life where I was vulnerable to insecurity and low self-esteem, to my 7th grade self it seemed like a legit reason to be mad. It wasn't. I GET THAT. And I realize this now. But I can't change how I feel and I will probably never get over this fear. You have to be me to understand how I feel, but this subject has been on my mind a lot lately and I find that the best way to express your feelings is writing them down, and why not in a blog that no one really reads anyway, so it's like explaining things to myself? It helps, kind of. It makes me sound insane, and even more crazy that, as I'm writing this, I'm still not convinced that people will be OK with me liking their favorite bands too. I'm still thinking that they will possibly get mad, or at least irked and think less of me because they might think I'm not original. THERE. That's it. ORIGINALITY. I want to be original. I want to be my own person, unlike anyone else. And in 7th grade, when ThatOneChick "sucked the originality out of my life", I felt like just another clone. I wasn't ME, because there was someone else (ThatOneChick) that was almost just like me. She liked the same stores, the same celebrity guys, the same bands etc. I felt unoriginal and blah. I guess what it all boils down to is that I'm afraid someone ELSE will think that I'm taking their originality away from them by liking the same bands they do (however, I don't like EVERY SINGLE BAND they do, and I do not like them overnight, nor do I flaunt that I like them any more than necessary). That's it. That's my irrational fear. Maybe I shed some light into my dark mind. Maybe it makes more sense.
Nope, still sounds crazy.
And what's more- if I LOVE LOVE LOVE band or a song that I just discovered, and then I put a lyric as my status on Facebook or mention them anywhere, just shooting the breeze, then someone who I'm not really friends with (but if my best friends do the same thing- I'm not mad. I don't know why) suddenly likes the same song/band after I mentioned it in front of them, I get MAD. MAD MAD MAD because it feels like the same thing that happened in 7th grade. Someone I'm not really friends with becoming obsessed with the song/band, and henceforth "sucking" my originality out of me. I feel like I just need something to be mine. Together, a combination of the things I like make up the original Natalie, but I just want something to belong to me and no one else. Like a weird song that no one else likes but I think it's amazing. Or an underground band I accidentally stumbled upon and everyone else doesn't like it. Something of my own that makes me original, even though I already am. And I know that this is wrong- being mad at someone because they like something that happens to be the same as something I like. And it's only with music. If I suddenly have an infatuation with dolphin meat, and I get some chick to try it, and they love it, I'm not going to have her barf it up and demand she dislike it. In fact, I won't be angry at all. Just with music it's that I'm so paranoid. And this paranoia could potentially harm friendships, or prevent them from starting. I know it's a problem, because I get ticked off if they like music I like and we're not besties or if it's sudden- overnight likeage. Ring a bell? It's like 7th grade is repeating and I don't want that to happen again, so I get mad.
I'll bet you're even more confused than before. I'm sorry.
New month. December! This fall has gone by so fast! It seems like just yesterday it was October, then November went by quickly, and now December is here. So, new month new blog post with things I'm obsessed with.
As for music, it's the entire The Black Parade album by My Chemical Romance.
Sleep, Welcome to the Black Parade, Cancer, Dead!, I Don't Love You, The End., Disenchanted, Mama and
The Sharpest Lives. Also, Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge is on my Playlist of the Week, with
I'm Not Okay, You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison, Cemetery Drive and
Helena. My number one thing on my Christmas list this year is iTunes gift cards. I have a list of all the songs I want, but since I have 41cents in my account, I can't buy any of them! I'm patiently (no) awaiting Christmas so I can buy the 20 some songs I have on my list, most of which come from 21st Century Breakdown. Others are from Fall Out Boy's greatest hits album, some random songs, MGMT songs, and a couple music videos.
I'm loving orange juice this month, so far. Orange juice just rocks. Peanut butter and honey sandwiches. Online shopping, although I never buy anything. Fuzzy boots. Tucking jeans into those fuzzy boots. Long necklaces that have a tangle of awesomeness at the end, or short necklaces that are also cool. And apparently, another thing I'm obsessed with this month is keeping secrets. I don't even know why. It's not like it's even secretive or bad or anything, I'm just scared. I also think I might be a little mentally insane.
Things I'm not liking so much this month, and every other month too.
People who either a) try to outshine your problems with their problems that are apparently so much worse or b) people who brag about things you really don't care about but still irk you.
As for a), it's like this, "Ugh, I have a test tomorrow. I'm nervous." "OH REALLY, REALLY? WELL I HAVE A TEST AND A QUIZ AND A PAPER DUE AND THEY'RE REALLY HARD AND I HAVE SO MUCH STUFF GOING ON TONIGHT AND I CAN'T GET THEM ALL DONE. So blah. Don't complain about your one test when I have so much stuff." Okay, so first, one word: SYMPATHY. We can all share our problems and comfort each other and vent and rant. However, when you try to FREAKING TRUMP my problems, you know how that makes me feel? Ticked off. Because now I don't get to vent my problems, but instead you get to tell me yours, and after how you just treated me, I'm supposed to feel sorry for you? I don't think so. We can all share our woes in turn and I will have just as much sympathy for you as you do for me. And secondly, SHUT. UP.
As for b), it's annoying. You have something, let's say a camera, and you got it a couple months ago and you love love love it. It maybe has some minor glitches, but it's no big deal. Then your friend gets the new version of that same camera. Let's say that you bring said camera to school/place of work/whatever. Said friend wants to see it. You give it to them, and they examine every inch. They start playing with things on the camera, and they notice that there is a small glitch in the flash. The flash flashes 3 times, when it's only supposed to flash once. They examine your memory card, which is a 1GB. Then, they start talking. "Wow, Natalie. This camera sucks. I mean, first, you only have a 1GB! My camera has 3GB memory card. Second, the flash doesn't even work! Mine is so much better." This makes me so extremely mad I could punch something. First off, THANKS. Thanks for pointing out the disadvantages to the camera I love so dearly. Second, YOU'RE DUMB. Why would you even say that? It's like bragging, and putting down my items at the same time. It's rude and annoying. This also applies to iPods, phones, and any item that you both have, but theirs is newer than yours.
Another thing, NETFLIX FREAKING DELETED CSI FROM WATCH INSTANTLY.
As you can probably tell, I'm not in the best of moods. However, I'm not completely destructive and mad, I'm just not very happy. I'm blah.
Have a wonderful December. Let's hope mine gets better, yes? :)
